Andy
Bernay-Roman writes in “Deep Feeling, Deep healing” that very early traumas
sometimes take quite a while to be resolved. This statement raised my
understanding to a new level and I tell myself I have a long way to go.
Considering the amount of trauma I experienced in my first 14 years of life I
have done a lot of self-primal work to function, and am able to feel with
empathy for others and sympathy for my shortcomings. I have raised the level
of feelings above a deep ocean of numbness. I am able now to love myself and
care and feel for others. In spite of my emotional awareness, seeing the
connection between past trauma and present destruction, all that it needs is a
trigger and I am back in a defenseless child mind.
Andy is
right; the damage done in early childhood can take a lifetime to repair.
How hopeless I thought first. How discouraging it is to know the childhood
damaged being, will never feel complete wholeness. One likes to give up on
life it self, if one must continue feeling the effect of early trauma and seek
repression for the rest of ones life.
Facing
the aftermath of trauma of child abuse on a daily base, is energy robbing by
itself and leaves many with no strength to accomplish anything beyond the
absolute necessary.
One
trigger and the spiral goes down ward quick and depression triumphs again,
becomes dominant.
What can
be done to help is the question? I have seen the quick solutions used and
always available in alcohol and drugs. If substitutes don’t work the one in
mental pain can turn in to an abuser – by dumping their early unmet needs on
others, lashing out in their frustration hurting spouses and children who are,
in many cases, already hurt.
What’s
the point, one childhood victim asked me once, that is life and life is not
fair.
My answer
was, humans are not fair if they don’t restore the natural balance.
It was a human that destroyed the balance of mental well being and it should
be the one who to what he/she has destroyed.
Otherwise, the spiral of mental destruction will reach its breaking point and
we are left with the only solution, - the constant repairing of damage done to
us.
Our
life’s priority from birth will be to find healing instead of living life.
No one will be left who can tell about how wonderful it feels to be a mentally
whole and unaffected by abuse.
What is life worth if we must first select in the morning from a choice of
repressors and never have a chance of breathing the feeling of a whole being?
It will
be a life of complete destruction if we must follow the destructive abusive
imprint we received as a child and, repeat what we have endured and create the
next damaged generation. What will be left of a human race after we destroy
its emotion?
Haunting Shadows from the Past
